One Year Ago, Today

It was the day after our 5th anniversary and I had an early miscarriage. Of course this was really sad and hard for me. At the time Nathaniel was working against a huge deadline and was unable to be here. This is where the Lord met me. While I was pregnant we where talking about names and one we thought of was, Jonah. After the miscarriage I felt led to look up the name, which I thought was strange and I really didn't want to, seemed to painful. Well, I finally looked it up and it was worded different than any name I had looked at before; it said "Jonah is a Dove" not Jonah means dove or Jonah - Dove. It said Jonah IS a Dove. Of course a dove represents so many things but to me it was about peace and comfort. So I did what most would do and got a tattoo of a dove on my foot. Then on Thanksgiving day I found out I was pregnant again. Through out the beginning I was trying so hard to hold on to the peace I had been given. Each day I would remind myself of the promise I had from the Lord and each day things got easier. Sometime before I found out I was having a boy I had a dream and in the dream, I was sitting on my bed with Lainey, and there was a baby sitting on the floor of my room with their back to me playing with some blocks. In the other room was a baby boy who was crying and needed me, so I looked at the baby on the floor and knew this baby was being taken care of so I could go attend my son. So Lainey and I went into the other room, that was it, but man it spoke so much to me. The baby on the floor was only a little bit older than the baby in the other room, and was being taken care of by someone other than me. This meant, to me, that the baby I lost was in heaven and that the Lord was the one watching over them. So now we will fast forward to July; Eliot arrives. Just after the surgery we are all in the room, and there is a dove sitting on the column outside of my window. So now I look at my son and am reminded of how the Lord will always take care of you even in the midst of sadness and heartache.

Identity

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh

This is one of my favorite quotes about motherhood, because one of the biggest struggles of being a mother is your new identity. Before I had my daughter I was working as an Executive Administrative Assistant... sounds important doesn't it? I loved my job, or at least the person I worked for and they really liked me, no seriously. But more importantly I loved the way I felt once I had accomplished something on my to do list. I was great at my job, I knew what I was doing and was very comfortable with my given responsibilities. Then here comes this beautiful, helpless, little girl I have now been given charge over. She totally rock my world and more than I ever anticipated; I know you have heard that one before, but it's true there is nothing that can prepare you. I not only didn't have a clue what I was doing, I didn't have any training... babysitting doesn't count. Sure I have been around kids my whole life, but this, this was different. I have to parent this child; I now had to tap into a part of me I didn't know was there. There are so many emotions flying everywhere it will make your head spin. On one hand I was totally in love and on the other I was tired and overwhelmed. So I tried to go back to work and have things as they where before. Some sort of normalcy, some place that I could relate to, but was too late; I didn't know who I was or what I wanted anymore. Slowly through the next year I regained my barrings and moved forward to a new and exciting stage of life. Now that have two kids things are once again turned upside down, but this time I am much more comfortable with the mother I have become.

I had a thought lying in bed the other night, you know one of the few moments of peace in my life right now. I thought to myself, one thing that will never change I will always be a mother. I have two children here and one in heaven and they will always be a part of me. So while being a mother is not the only part of my identity it is a big focus right now.